Tag Archives: parenting

Part 2: Learning to Lose and Handle Disappointment

As a parent, I want my children to grow-up knowing what it takes to be a winner and how to win graciously, but I also feel that it is extremely important for children to learn how to lose and fail in life. When faced with disappointment, how to you manage your feelings, pick yourself up, and carry on?

Learning to Lose and Handle Disappointment

Let’s face it, disappointment is a part of life. Like it or not, in life, we do keep score.  There are winners and losers in every situation life throws at us…promotions at work, landing the best deal, scoring the contract, top salesperson, etc. Does it not makes sense that children should learn how to work through emotions like frustration and disappointment, as well as experience losing, so that they can mature emotionally and be able to handle the ups and downs of life as they get older.

It seems many parents put their children in the lead, looking to them for cues on how to parent. Some parents hope to avoid upset and frustration by doing everything in their power to make things work for their children. Children parented in such a manner never come up against the necessary frustration that accompanies facing the impossible.  They are deprived of the experience of transforming frustration into feelings of futility, of letting go and adapting. ~ Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate

hold on to your kidsIn their book, Hold on to Your Kids, Neufeld and Mate, go over The Seven Principles to Natural Discipline and the importance of children experiencing “futility”. I would highly recommend this book for gaining an understanding of children in today’s world and what we are faced with as parents of this generation.

Next time, your child is faced with a difficult situation, problem or disappointment, try to step back. Let them attempt to come up with a solution to the problem or possibly come to the realization that there is no solution and that they need to let it go, adapt and move on.  Being a problem solver is a life skill and as parents we need to give our children the space to grow and learn, even if that sometimes means making the wrong decision and having to deal with the consequences.

Inside of every problem lies an opportunity. ~ Robert Kiyosaki

This quote applies to all of us. For within every situation there is an opportunity to grow and learn.  Without problems, we would never stretch ourselves to become more than we already are, but rather would coast through a life of mediocrity. Don’t deprive your children of the chance to face adversity and come out the other side of it a better person, regardless of whether they have won or lost the battle at hand.

When I look back on my own life, I can see that some of the most difficult situations I’ve  faced, proved to be the springboard that took me to a new level in my thinking, relationships and skill level.  There are things that I am good at today, only because I took the chance and failed at it yesterday.  No one wants to lose all the time, but it does build character and forces you to dig deeper.

Summary

Let’s keep score, say “no” more often and celebrate the problems/losses in life as an opportunity to learn, grow and advance beyond our current ability level.  You see, win or lose, we are all winners in the game of life. It just depends on how you use the experience to your advantage.

Part 1: Born to Win

Born to Win

I believe that every person has a special gift and contribution to make in this world.  We strive to instill this positive attitude in our children, but in an effort to fight the battle against a generation of youth who display an aura of “entitlement”, we consistently talk about work ethic and what it takes to be successful at anything in life.  It is like walking a balance beam, trying to keep your children’s dreams alive, but teaching them that dreams generally don’t just come true for some and not for others….it takes effort, determination, perseverance and hard work to WIN in sports, and life in general.  We often talk about success stories like Michael Jordan ~ who didn’t even make his varsity basketball team in his sophomore year.  Michael Jordan took that disappointment and channelled his frustration to practise with a level of determination that eventually made him one of the best players of all time. Was it raw talent?  He would say “no”, but rather hard work and a level of commitment that has been matched by few others. As a parent, I want my children to grow-up knowing what it takes to be a winner and how to win graciously in all aspects of life.

Sports:  Much More Than a Game!

score board

To keep score or not to keep score…that is the question!

My husband and I were both involved in sports as children and believe that sports can play a powerful role in the overall development of our own children. Today, many are debating the psychology of whether we should keep score in youth sports or not. Personally, I don’t think that score keeping has any bearing on the self-esteem of children (they are keeping score whether there is an official scoreboard or not).  Children who feel too much pressure from sport are dealing more with parents who have unrealistic expectations and have made it more about being the best, than having fun.  You don’t have to look beyond the politics in minor hockey to establish that the problems are more related to parenting, than the scoreboard. Sport is so much more than skill development and competition. When I was a child, sport was not about getting a scholarship or making the A1 team, it was about building friendships and having fun!  As parents, we see the value of sport far beyond their performance on the ice, field or court.  Involvement in sports:

  • promotes a healthy lifestyle
  • promotes risk taking
  • expands children’s immediate circle of friends
  • teaches children about commitment – once a decision has been made, we make our kids’ stick it out for that season, even when they may not like it (we talk about being commited to a team and how others are depending on you to be there for the practises and games, it forces them to think beyond themselves)
  • teaches children how to be a team player, a skill that is essential in the work force (your grades might get you hired, but your inability to work with others is generally what will get you fired)
  • provides opportunities for chidren to learn life lessons like dealing with disappointment, how to get along with difficult people (coaches and team mates), work ethic, sportsmanship, etc.
  • provides a positive social experience where they can have good, clean fun!

Summary

Not all children are athletic, but many organized groups and activities can provide similar learning opportunities.  I believe that everyone was born a winner and should have a chance to shine, but your child doesn’t have to be the superstar of the team to gain valuable life lessons and experiences from their involvement in sports.  Every sport requires a different skill set and level of athletism.  Some sports require more precision and steadiness while others are more about speed and agility. When you consider all that can be learned through participation in sport, the potential is there for every child to feel like a winner!

We all want to see our children succeed and be happy, but I also feel that it is extremely important for children to learn how to lose.  Check-out Part 2 of this post tomorrow: Learning to Lose

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“The Tween Challenge” ~ How to Keep up to Speed with Your Growing Kids

The Tween Challenge has definitely hit our house.

I have been an early years teacher for over 20 years and would consider myself an expert on young children, especially 4 to 6 year olds as that is where the bulk of my experience has been.  However, now that my own kids are beyond that, I am totally in foreign territory.

I find as the mom of a tween, I am constantly having to “right the ship” and make adjustments in my parenting.  Everyday seems to bring with it new questions or situations that I was in no way prepared for and quite honestly I often don’t have a clue how to respond.  I am always seeking knowledge, good advice and sound parenting tips from books, friends and family, and/or Google to help me through.

What is a Tween Anyways?

When people refer to a tween, they are often referring to a child between the ages of 10 and 12….bigger and more mature than a child, but not yet a teenager.

What makes the tween years so challenging are the overwhelming number of changes that tweens encounter in this short span of their lives. They are no longer early years students, but now walk the halls and hang-out with the middle years students in the school.  With the move to “middle years” comes extra opportunity and responsibility.  Students are often able to opt into clubs and join school teams that were not offered to them as an early years student.  Perhaps they’d like to be a patrol, or a library helper or maybe join a school leadership team.  All of the new opportunities are very exciting, but at the same time can be taxing on some kids, especially if they make too many commitments, in addition to those they have outside of school.  Often tweens also have a heavier classroom work load and additional homework.

Other Tween Changes and Challenges 

If all of the above is not enough for a child that has just hit double digits, lets add the early onset of puberty to the mix.  This is an excerpt from an article published in The Observer, in 2012.

They found that in 1860, the average age of the onset of puberty in girls was 16.6 years. In 1920, it was 14.6; in 1950, 13.1; 1980, 12.5; and in 2010, it had dropped to 10.5.

Alarming!  It just seems so young to have to face so many changes in their body.  I believe that this is especially hard for tween girls.  Many young girls bulk-up prior to puberty.  It is their body’s way of preparing for what is to come.  While still trying to understand this and come to terms with their new fuller form, many tweens are also beginning to develop breasts and start their first period, but of course, that is not all.  They discover they don’t smell as pretty as they used to and now have to shower every day and wear deodorant. To top that off they have hair on their legs that makes them feel too embarrased to dress for the weather and thus they sweat even more!  Ugh!  Where does the maddness stop? How about the daily barrage of images of “flawless” girls with “perfect” faces and bodies plastered over every billboard, advertisement, magazine, etc.  Check out the Dove video called Beauty Pressure to see what are girls are dealing with.

Tweens Are Often Lost in the Gap Between Childhood and a Teenager

It is no wonder tweens are so confused and emotional.  They mourn the blissful childhood that seemed to end in a blink and yet are excited about being “more grown-up”. So many mixed emotions, coupled with the multiple physical and social changes they are feeling can sometimes leave a tween feeling alone and sad, despite having people around them that love them deeply.

Self-esteem is a raising issue and I believe that tweens just don’t have the maturity to process all of these changes and feelings the way that our “16.6” year old ancestors did in the 1860’s.  The young ladies of the 1800’s were going through puberty shortly before becoming an adult, while ours have just stepped out of their early years classrooms.  Yikes!

What Can We Do to Support Our Young Girls Through This Process?

I certainly don’t have many answers and believe that if there is a mistake to be made, I have done it.  However, I have found some really great resources that I would love to share.

  1. If you have not yet watched these videos, they are produced by Dove and really great in helping to understand body image:  Dove Real Beauty Sketches, The Evolution of Beauty
  2. Learn and talk about Body Image and Self-Esteem.  Gain an understanding of the differences between the two.
  3. Know and understand the stages of puberty so that you can be ready for them and observe where your daughter is at.
  4. If you are interested, Dove also has a PDF that makes a great reference.  It is a Teacher’s book from one of their Self-Esteem courses, so it is very relevant.
  5. I heard about a great magazine for young girl’s called Moon Magazine. We have just ordered a subscription.
  6. Unfortunately, I just learned about this course and how excellent it was through my cousin who went through it with her daughter.  I called to register and we are first on the waiting list because the class for this fall is full.  It is called Mothers and Daughters in Touch and sounds amazing.
If you are like me, you just want to say and do the right things, and I certainly do not always get it right (by a long shot).  However, I believe that knowledge, when applied and mixed with lots of prayers, greatly improves my chances!  Good luck out there!